


Escape to Princess

by lea_hazel



Series: Adventures in Twine [5]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Choose Your Own Adventure, Escapism, Games, Gen, Multiple Endings, Other, Play Time: 10-20 Minutes, Princes & Princesses, Twine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2016-05-23
Packaged: 2018-06-10 05:42:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6942148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lea_hazel/pseuds/lea_hazel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once upon a time there was a girl who escaped her dreary, dissatisfying everyday life into a magical world of fantasy, magic, and inexplicably being the most important person in the world. </p>
<p>Then she grew up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Game Link

Escape to Princess is a CYOA-style fantasy about quitting adulthood to become a princess in an magical alternate world. 

Play the game at [philome.la](http://philome.la/hazelgoldblog/escape-to-princess) or at [itch.io](https://zincalloy.itch.io/escape-to-princess), or turn to the next chapter to read one version of the events. 


	2. Escape to Princess: First Ending

Once upon a time...

 

Once upon a time there was a girl who escaped her dreary, dissatisfying everyday life into a magical world of fantasy, magic, and inexplicably being the most important person in the world.

Then she grew up.

 

Once upon a right the fuck now.

Well, fuck that, actually. Grown-up life is dreary and dissatisfying, and she should damn well get to be a fucking princess, if she wants to.

  * I'm with you.
  * ~~Don't be ridiculous.~~



 

I wanna be a fucking princess.

 

Time to escape the dreary reality of adulthood.

  * ...through a mirror in the ladies' bathroom at work.
  * ~~...through the mysterious delivery of a beautifully calligraphied note.~~
  * ~~...through a door that led to the wrong place.~~



 

The arrival of a princess from another world is always a heralded event, one way or another.

  * ~~...hijacked by an infuriatingly mysterious elder.~~
  * ~~...received in state by a grave and careworn ruler.~~
  * ...welcomed by your soon-to-be nemesis.



 

A mysterious stranger from faraway lands is always destined to do something dangerous, uncomfortable, improbable or at the very least muddy.

What the fuck is my destiny?

  * ~~...save the world, of course I have to save the fucking world.~~
  * ~~...no, it's okay, just save this particular kingdom.~~
  * ...fucked if I know, but there's a prophecy and it's all very important or something.



 

For fuck's sake, surely the people of this magical wonderland don't expect you to be mysteriously destined __alone__?

They do not, in fact. As the one who is destined, you are accorded a rotating cast of diverse weirdos and one constant companion.

  * ~~...your loyal sidekick, a bumbling but warm-hearted local.~~
  * ...a magical talking animal which resembles some fluffy earth mammal.
  * ~~...attractive, antagonistic specimen of the appropriate gender for your tastes.~~



 

The two of you attract a few disaffected adventurers into your party and set forth on a long journey, beset by dangers. It's hard to get around on these pre-industrial roads, although the magic is sparkly and neat.

  * ~~...sailing aboard a wooden ship with an intricately carved figurehead.~~
  * ...tagging along to a trade caravan bearing spices from faraway lands.
  * ~~...good old-fashioned hiking.~~



 

Listen, you're definitely not in fucking Kansas any more. For all I know, you've never even been to Kansas. Fuck Kansas, man.

Where do you want to go?

  * ...a hidden castle in a series of deepening caves full of stalactites and stalagmites in brilliant crystalline technicolor.
  * ~~...an ancient coven of witches living inside a tower carved out of a single tree as tall as a mountain.~~
  * ~~...a fucking dragon's lair.~~



 

The place you're traveling to is far too awesome for the road to be remotely safe. Naturally you encounter every kind of danger on the way, from predatory animals bizarrely determined to feast on your inconvenient flesh, and up to the greatest menaces in the land.

  * ~~...vicious, mauling dire-badgers.~~
  * ...a sinister cult of haemomancers howling for your blood.
  * ~~...mer-pirates.~~



 

Once you've conquered all adversaries and reached your ultimate destination, you find yourself once more imperilled. Fortunately, you're a fucking princess and you feel pretty good about your odds of handing this peril its ass. Literal or otherwise.

  * ...your nemesis, who anticipated your arrival and greets you with a smug, ' _ _we meet again__ '.
  * ~~...a cunning wyrm who tries to get inside your head with some feeble riddles and ineffectual mind-games.~~
  * ~~...a sentient clinging vine that binds you with prehensile, thorny tendrils.~~



 

You demolish your enemy with extreme prejudice and then stand over them triumphantly. Oh, yeah. It's gloating time.

  * ~~..."Villain, you are no match for the might of~~ ~~****TRUTH** ** ~~ ~~and~~ ~~****JUSTICE** ** ~~ ~~!"~~
  * ..."I'm a fucking princess and I do what I want!"
  * ~~..."Oh, for crying out loud. Is that really the best you can do?"~~



 

Of course, there's an actual damn reason you trekked all the way to this armpit, and it wasn't to confront __that__ fucking asshole. It was to save the fucking world, or something. Look around, there's gotta be something arcane around here to help you do that.

  * ~~...a sparkly tiara studded with gemstones that change color in the shifting light.~~
  * ...a preternaturally sharp sword made out of some peculiar metal that's stronger and lighter than anything you've ever seen.
  * ~~...a colossal tome filled with weird and wonderful words inscribed in gold.~~



 

You have achieved your final goal. The prophecy has been fulfilled. Wait, but what the hell did you really get out of it?

  * ...sealed a mighty evil in an unbreakable prison for a thousand years, thus making it, y'know, some other dope's problem.
  * ~~...uncovered a veritable wellspring of arcane lore, once thought lost.~~
  * ~~...self-knowledge. Are you fucking kidding me? Man, I'm too old for this shit.~~



 

You return to the capital in great triumph. There's a spontaneous parade in your honor, and the grateful populace throws flowers at you. Nice ones. Everyone adores you, of course. Isn't universal adoration part of being a princess?

Having won the day, you anticipate receiving some kind of special compensation.

  * ~~...from the kingdom's interim ruler, no longer quite as grave and careworn now that evil has been defeated for a while.~~
  * ~~...from the high council of vague magic assholes, of whom your mentor is obviously a member.~~
  * ...from one of the local gods, who has decreed you the Chosen One (even though they never Chose to help you when you were in actual danger).



 

Once the demands of destiny have been fulfilled, there's only one reward grand enough to be appropriate for an epic hero of your caliber.

  * ~~...the throne, obviously, because you were always in this for the power.~~
  * ~~...scads of gold and jewels, a castle, servants, a harem of two dozen nubile wood-nymphs of your preferred gender(s).~~
  * ...adventure, danger, excitement!



 

Friend, you have earned your happy ending. What now?

  * Go home. I have friends and loved ones waiting for me.
  * ~~...~~ ~~__fuck_ _ ~~ ~~no! I'm staying right here until they kick me out, or something.~~



 

Home awaits. Your loving family, your favorite TV shows, toilet paper. It's not just responsibilities and frustrations, after all, and you hardly ever get assailed by marauding mer-pirates brandishing poison-tipped whale-tooth harpoons. For example. Anyway, you love your family and all.

Is this goodbye forever, Princess?

  * Keep the throne warm. I'll definitely be dropping by again.
  * ~~No need. Hey, Boss! I'm a fucking princess! How'd you like them apples?~~



 

You're still a fucking princess, and you know these dopes are gonna need your help with something epic, __again__. Sooner or later. They know how to contact you, right? Probably.

...Homeward bound.

 

You are the god-hero of legend.

You appear from the mists in times of great turmoil and execute feats of legendary heroism, only to fade back into the mists once your foes are vanquished and peace is restored.

It's like a vacation, if you're into __really__ extreme sports. Being a full-time epic hero would be a pain in the ass. You like your comfy life and you like being safe most of the time, and after all, you were born into this modern world of ours. This is home. This is good.

This is pretty much having your cake and eating it. Good job, jackass. You broke the fucking proverb.

# Game Over

 


End file.
